An open letter to my son. Posted on 12/23/10
It twas the night before Christmas Eve and your mother is wide awake far later than she had hoped. You see my son, we are just days away from the end of 2010. And like any big adventure in life that comes to a close – it is common to find yourself looking back and reflecting on your journey. This melancholy stroll down memory lane was perpetuated this evening by a folder of photos taken from my iphone (Mobil Uploads) on my Facebook profile page I stumbled across this evening while trying to find sleep. The entire folder’s worth of photos – all 37 of them – were snapped of you while we were on some big adventure over the course of this past year.
There is a photo of you drinking hot chocolate after we went ice skating last week.
A photo of you in the makeshift Halloween costume we spray painted in the middle of the night in the front of the house. A photo of you sitting in a moving box – one of many you have seen throughout the three moves we have made in the past two years.
A photo of you catching your first fish. Another of you and me on our beach adventure day – nothing but you, me, and the ocean – on what was, and will always remain, one of the most memorable vacations of my life.
It was the first vacation we took just the two of us. It was the first of many firsts of the adventures we have taken – just you and me kid.
And for as challenging this past year has been on all of us and for as quick as I am to put the year of 2010 behind me – the strangest thing occurred to me tonight when looking back – and that was just how many memories I have from this past year of our adventures in the world together – just me and you kid. But I suppose the real surprising thing about this particular reflection was how even how within so many those moments I was hurting so badly and longing for the “missing pieces” of our family – when I looked back tonight at it all from a distance, knowing now that we are ok, and knowing that we got through it all – is just how grateful I am and truly perfect it is that it was….just you and me kid.
When I really started thinking about it I couldn’t help but pull myself out of my bed to scurry into your room to wrap my big mommy paws around your little neck and stare at your sleeping face. There have been many nights that you have crawled into my bed in the middle of the night, occupying the space that was previously occupied by your father and wrapped these mama paws around you over this past year. There have been many mornings I have woken up to your tiny little voice whispering “I love you mommy.”There have been hundreds of silly jokes, and dance parties in the living room and meals we have cooked in our dinky little kitchen. Our special dinners at Mai Lee. Our favorite Lady Gaga songs. Our “special” relationship that we have created in the lack of “convention” or “family.” I think I am finally just beginning to reach that place where you and I are enough – where the longing is finally beginning to end – where I am really cherishing the “now” of what our life looks like today – even if it is miles away from where I thought we would be.
To my little man, my partner in crime, the man in my life who carried the Christmas presents up the stairs for me today I want to say thank you – for truly loving me unconditionally and not noticing that I have been less than perfect over this past year. I am sorry I didn’t cherish that time alone with you more – I was really hurting myself. Thank you for hanging in there with me when you were late to school too often and I was running around like a mad woman in the morning because I was late to work…again. Thank you for letting me drag you all over Gods creation to grocery shop at 7:00 at night while eating chicken drummies out of the bag in the cart.Thank you for not noticing when the cable got turned off as I learned to stand on my own to feet financially and how to pay the bills correctly. Thank you for smiling while I was figuring it out (aka: drowning in it) over this past year – we made it through it!
We are finally getting the hang of it – this house is finally beginning to feel like a home – You’ve got the school thing down now – and soccer is going so well – you are truly gifted. You drink the juice in the back seat of the car as we rush on our way to morning childcare before school. I someone managed to make all of your school parties this year (what a change from last year). You’ve made new friends – and mommy has made so many new friends and new relationships (especially great relationships with other single parents) that have gotten us both through it all. You have grown seven inches, you have learned how to spell 25 words and how to tie your shoes. Your mother had learned to balance work and motherhood, how to pay her bills on time (and pay for everything herself which is something she is really proud of), and how to sleep alone at night without the aching. You crack the eggs, and I open the biscuits, and somehow we have begin to settle into a routine that has been working – just you and me kid.
And while your mother still dreams of that “family” and brothers and sisters for you someday – I have given up the image of the white picket fence – for you have taught me that sometimes the greatest gifts are the ones you don’t plan of – and in 2010 that great gift was all the time and memories we created – just you and me kid.
I love you.