The World Goes White

 

(Sarah carrying a kidney transplant – the same organ she donated)

This is the second time in two years that my blog has gone completely silent. The second time in two years that I have lost my voice …. completely. The second time in my life that the words of my reality are actually too painful to write.

The first was the day that the rug of my marriage along with my entire life was pulled out from underneath me – within minutes. The blog ended and the writing stopped completely for almost a full year.

The second was the day I got the phone call that I would never hear the voice of my very best friend in the whole world – ever again.

And once again the blog went silent.

The world went white.

And the entire city remains still, frozen, covered in snow even today – reminding me every time I look out my window that Sarah’s not here anymore – and that no matter what I say or do nothing is going to change that.

Once again find myself spit out on the other side of a crisis feeling nothing but completely….EMPTY.

And I don’t feel like writing…..

Because this is not going to be a happy post.

This post is about loss.

Losing something you can’t replace. Loosing something that you love. Losing something forever…..FOREVER. The finality of it all is daunting.

Last time the rug was ripped from underneath me only way I thought I could get through it all was to run forward – run away – run one thousand miles a minute without looking back for one second – I had to run for my life.

I couldn’t read the blog. I couldn’t write the truth. I couldn’t sit down and allow myself to begin to think about what I had just lost. I couldn’t bear to really face what I was leaving behind. I just couldn’t let it hit me. I just had to move on. I had to go forward.

I just had to survive. I had to survive. I had to survive.

Because life goes on….

People loose the things they love every day –

People are heartbroken, marriages fail, dreams crash – mothers even bury their own children. An image I have glued in my head from this past week. An image that is just too sad and to painful to even try and articulate.

And yet life continues to move on….

And last time that’s just what I did. I boxed an entire four bedroom house within three days. I found an apartment and signed a lease within a week. I registered for grad school within a month and found myself in love again within three. I had youth on my side and my faith in love still intact. I rebounded quickly and catapulted myself and my life on a forward trajectory immediately. I was so terrified back then – terrified if I really felt it I would never recover. Id loose my mind. I’d fall apart. I’d certainly die.

But I didn’t.

Thus this time is different….

The loss of Sarah has floored me – so much so that this time there is no running, there is no avoiding, there is no rebuilding, there is no replacing.

More than anything else this time I am not afraid.

I know I can get through this.
I know I can survive this.
I know I will be ok again.
I know there is an end to this pain.

So this time I want to face it – I want to confront it – I want to feel it – I want to sit in it.

And I’m not getting up until I’ve healed.

Im going to cry and cry and cry – until there are no tears left to fall. I am going to scroll through her pictures until they are etched in my memory photographically. I am going to listen to her voicemails on repeat. I am going to mourn her and write about her and remember her for as long as it takes for me to repair my broken heart.

Because I know well enough now after everything I have been through that what they say is true – time heals all wounds – including broken hearts. I also know that I am strong enough to come out of things like this a better person – a wiser and stronger person. But today I am just “being” – and there will be no moving forward or moving on until I am ready.

I have woken up every morning replaying the last time I saw Sarah’s face – three days before her liver failed and she went unconscious. I replay that night – the two of us curled up on the kitchen counter with bare feet in the sink. If you are a friend of mine than you know that is one of my famous bonding places because we can open the window behind the sink and turn on the oven fan and sneak Parliament Lights like school girls in the bathroom. Sarah and I spent hundreds of hours perched outside of some window talking about love and loss and life while sharing Parliament Lights and wine. I have a hundred thousand things to share about Sarah and our friendship – and I will share many of them here – because like I said I am getting it all out and the blogging is going to continue this time.

But for today I will just say that there is nothing worse that looking back wishing you would have known that you were living the “moment” – as in the last moment you would ever see someone again – wishing you would have been a little more present, appreciated what was right in front of you a little more, loved the people you love a little harder. It is a lesson everyone should learn.

I will end with the last facebook status update Sarah ever posted on Dec. 26th – it has haunted me ever since…

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.” – A very smart Paramedic friend

Sarah’s certainly was.

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