As I have admitted before, I was truly the worst kind of judgmental mom before I had babies. I don’t think you can truly understand the toll sleep denervation, recovering from a c section, and managing someone’s entire life takes on your personal self until you have a baby for the first time. In that same vein, no one can possibly understand what it is like to have two sick babies screaming in unison for 10 hours straight while you take turns rocking each one while the other wails until you have twins. The minute you get one child settled your mind shifts to the next child, and then in my case, to the third child. Feeling as though you are on top of everyone’s needs is such a rarity that you are often left feeling like you are in a constant state of drowning and shortchanging everyone. Oye the guilt is real my friends.
One of the biggest challenges for me has been learning to simply accept that people don’t get it and that’s no one’s bad.
Too many times to count I have been around family and friends and needing something from them without them recognizing what I need or them being able to “show up for me.” There have been times I was running on zero sleep while those around me slept, times I needed my husband to stay home and he left on a business trip, or situations in which someone simply stopping by and bringing food would have made all the difference in the world and no one came.
I have been disappointed a lot by those I love and its taken a lot of emotional fortitude and growth for me to recognize that shortcoming was simply out of ignorance and rarely, if ever, out of malice or lack of love and loyalty.
I have also learned that when you are living in a constant state of survival and need how quickly it becomes transparent who was in your life because of what you gave and who your ride or die friends truly are. Before I had babies I was a pretty generous and giving person. I like to think I brought a great deal to the table. The past few months have not always brought out the most charming sides of myself. There has probably been more venting and complaining than gratitude and appreciation because like I just said, most days I feel like I am drowning. My friends that let me off the hook I will remain forever indebted to.
I can say without the shadow of a doubt that other twin moms will be your best sounding board. My truest friends and supports have been the ones that have handled the gigantic change I have gone through with grace. I like to think I have finally arrived at a place where I have gotten the support I need to eliminate the resentment that I had towards those who didn’t get it that was so toxic to my well being. Resentment is no good for anyone.
The lesson of ALL this I suppose is that your friendships and family relationships and support systems will change fairly quickly and you will need to learn to navigate what to get from whom. Some relationships wont transition with you it’s true that your world will get smaller very quickly. If you work to get your needs met and the proper support system in place, you will be better equipped to take all relationships in your life for what they are and accept what is.